I Am Not The Sweetest Berry On The Bush

I often hear people telling me that I am a sweetie pie. That I couldn't get mad at someone even if I tried. I tell them that is not true but they have a hard time believing me. The thought of this made me want to be honest about something. I am a nice person but I do have an angry, mean side to me too.

When I was in school some kids would make fun of me. Sometimes it was just friendly banter back and forth but other times It was just plain cruel. Most of the time I never did anything about it. I would put my head down and try to ignore it and sometimes I would even leave the room crying.

Back then I thought they had a right to call me names because they were just saying what I believed to be true.That I was a dork, ugly, fat and stupid. My "friends" would even tell me that I was too sensitive when I would cry and I believed them. I was the one who was doing something wrong and I was the one who was all of those things that they were laughing about.

However if someone would make fun of a another kid or especially one of my friends I would be the first one to say something and I would defend them. Back then I didn't understand how I could be one way for others but not the same for myself. Now, I know that it was because of my insecurities and low self esteem. Obviously I did not value myself and thought poorly of who I was.

Looking back I know that I did not deserve any of that and I know that I was a good person. Although I did not see it back then, Now I see a pretty young girl now when I look back at old pictures and movies.

Even now I try to remember how I felt as a kid and about how low my self esteem was. I do this because I am still struggling with the same insecurities. Reminding myself that I am still a good personal and am not ugly helps me with becoming more confident. On top of that I know now that everything those kids said wound not of hurt me if I just didn't let it.

One of the best things that I have ever learned is that no one can make you feel something. No one can make you upset or make you cry unless you personally let them. I am the one in control of my own emotions now.

Now I can get mad and show it for myself. When I was a teenager  a police officer swore at me for no reason in front of a large group of people so I yelled at him and told him that he had not right for swearing at me. He apologized to me for it in front of everyone and that was a nice feeling. I really appreciated him saying sorry to me and I respected him a lot after wards. Right now I usually don't have a problem sticking up for myself when someone is mean to me.

I do not usually yell at my friends or family though. I try to be honest with them and to tell them if I have a problem but it usually doesn't ever lead to an argument. However most of the time I just avoid saying anything because I am too afraid to upset them and to create a conflict. Sometimes this hurts me more because I do not feel comfortable unless I can be open and honest with someone.

The person who does see me at my worst is Justin, my boyfriend of 14 years. I can be verbally and emotionally abusive to him at times. I am not proud to say this but in the past I have called him fat, ugly, stupid and more. When we get into arguments sometimes he says things that hurt me and I react in anger and say things to try and hurt him. It is hard for me to not react aggressively when my feelings have been hurt. Sometimes I take things too personally, sometimes he does say things in the wrong way and sometimes I can over react.

I do not express myself 100% correctly some of the time but that has been one of our goals in couples counseling. I am much better than I use to be but still have a ways to go. Now instead of saying, "I hate you, you BIG FAT TERD!", I say, "I am very upset with what you just said to me". So I Just wanted to be honest and to admit that I do yell, do say mean things and can get mad. I am a nice person and do care about others but I can still be verbally abusive. It is something that I am trying to work on and change. I believe that good relationships cant always be filled with happiness and bubbles, that there has to be some conflicts and arguments along the way. I would just like to argue with Justin but without the hurtful words that do nothing to help.

I Am Not An Anonymous Kinda Girl

I went to an Over Eaters Anonymous class a few weeks ago. It is kind of like AA but for over eaters. (so I have heard) I was excited to try something new and I am glad that I attended. However there were some things that I did not agree with regarding what is best for becoming healthier.

Personally I believe that being open and honest with others but especially with yourself is the most important step to achieving any goal in life. In that class I had learned that no one is to talk out side of group about anyone else. This is suppose to make the members feel more comfortable opening up and I can completely understand that. Although my goal is to be open no matter what someone else says about me. Hearing that made me start thinking, "Should I really care about what others have to say about me?" and that is something I do not want to contemplate ever again. I am going to continue telling my story and expressing my feelings. The other people in that group had great things to say and seemed like awesome people but I will respect them and not share there stories.

In my opinion, who cares If someone says, "Oh this chubby girl Emily loves pizza and is too sensitive"? I don't, at least anymore I don't. I use to hide in my house for about a 3 year span a few years ago. I was to afraid to go out into public, worried about what people would say about me. I wondered, "Would someone drive by and call me fat again and will I cry this time?" I thought it was best to hide myself inside so that way I wouldn't have to be sad anymore. FART THAT!

I have worked very hard on my confidence and still have a way to go. I will never hide myself again and I plan on always living for me and for no one else.

The Over Eaters group was nice because I got to hear people being real, open and honest and that is what I crave in life. But when I found out about the rules and the reasons why people were opening up I began to think that it wasn't real. That they think that a little book of rules will actually keep them safe from other peoples thoughts and opinions about themselves. However that is only what I am assuming.There are always going to be people out there judging you, making comments and there is no way to hide from that.You just have to except it, stay confident in yourself, know who you are and to try not to care. All's I do know is that I want to go for it. To Say How I feel, To Be Strong, To Be Confident, TO Be ME..blah..blah...blah.... it's all at up the top (*_*)

Something I Regret

This is a personal story that I haven't told many people. I have decided to share it because I would like to help people who were like me to not make the same mistake that I did....

I was 14 years old and it was a hot summer day. My mom and I went to a department store to get some things. I had told my mom that I was going to look around while she did her returns. I remember seeing this guy, he was probably in his 20's, dark skinned and short. He waved me to come over to him and I did. He asked for my phone number aggressively and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I hesitated giving my number to him but he kept on asking and asking. I finally just gave him a fake number so he would hopefully leave me alone but he didn't.

He asked for a kiss and I was shocked. I said, "No, I don''t even know you". He said, "That doesn't matter".  He put his hand on the back of my head, pulled my face towards his and kissed me. I do not think that I kissed him back but I was in shock so I am not 100% sure.

That 1st horrible encounter happened in the front of the store and there were not many people out shopping that day. After that he grabbed my hand and was trying to convince me to come to the back of the store with him. He started walking, pulling me to the back of the store. I was still in shock so I walked while holding his hand. Mean while I was saying things like, " I have to go, my mom is waiting", " Please let go" but he kept pulling me and he pulled harder the further away we got from the front of the store.

When he finally got me to where he wanted to be, he grabbed me and kissed me again. This time he was trying to touch me where I definalty did not want him to. I pushed his hands off of me and pulled away from him. He continued trying to touch me but I would not let him. He grabbed my hand again and told me to come out to his car and that was when I really started to freak out.

He was pulling me towards to exit and kept trying to verbally convince me to go out to his car. But this time I was pulling back from him. He would still not let go so I pulled harder and harder and then came free. I think that my strength caught him off guard judging by the look on his face. He backed off and I walked away.

I went to find my mom and I started crying. I had planned on keeping what had happened from her but when I found her I could not hold back my tears and I told her immediately. She freaked out and told one of the store managers. They wanted me to me point him out. I was scared, upset, in shock and just wanted to leave the situation so I said no. On our way out of the store I had thought that I saw him down one of the isles but I was not sure because of my poor eye sight. I kept my mouth shut and this is what I regret.

I was thinking selfishly at that time. I didn't want to see him again and I definalty did not want to talk to him. I wanted to run and find my friends who could help console me. My mom was nice enough to bring me to a friends house but that did not help me out much. I went home later that day and I was still sad and still in shock. It took me a few days to get back to being myself but I have never forgotten that day.

I regret not trying to stop it from the start, I regret not trying to find him and most of all I regret not thinking about all of the other girls he could have done that to after me.

I can't help to wonder, what would of happened if I was not strong enough to pull myself away? If I had found him hopefully he would of  had to pay for what he did to me. And then maybe that would make him not repeat the same actions to someone else. I was very shy and insecure back then. I wish that I had been stronger and did what I should have done from the very start.

The only thing I can do now is to live and learn from it . Hopefully by sharing this story it could help other people to think about what they could do to help a terrible situation instead of doing nothing about it.

Lets Make The Saying, "You Never Know What You've Got Until It's Gone" History

It's kinda sad that death or a separation can make some people realize how much someone meant to them. Why is it so easy to take someone for granted? Many inspiring, hard working and all around good people were never recognized until it was too late. Even today there are talented artists, musicians, great mothers, fathers, remarkable sons or daughters who should be seen for the great people they are but they are not. Maybe If there were more appreciation being exchanged to one another in this world then there would be less violence, addictions and sadness going on in it Don't wait until it is too late to recognize the ones around you. Most importantly appreciate them and let them know it. The world can become a happier place, one compliment at a time.

Take Me Or Leave Me

Justin and I went to a friends house last night. He was having a party and his band was playing there. I had a really good time and apparently I love seeing live music. Plus they are all really talented and even write there own songs. It was awesome!

When I am out having such a great time it can be kinda surreal for me because there was a time not too long ago when I was too afraid to leave my house. My anxiety and low self esteem took me over and it changed who I was. After working on myself I am happy to say that now I can go almost anywhere and it is a great feeling!

I am still pretty shy when I go out and meeting new people is hard for me. I can still hear the negative thoughts running through my mind. Your ugly, no one wants you here, they think you stupid etc. But now I fight those thoughts by telling myself that I am a good person and that I do not care if someone doesn't like me anymore.

Whenever  I have a few drinks it helps me become more confident in myself and I get the ability to talk to people. However I am very open from the moment I meet someone. I think that some people could be put off by me. Usually I get really insecure after a get together. I think about what I said, what someone probably thinks about me and I consider changing myself. Those are more negative thoughts that I have to combat again.

Looking back on last night I can remember the conversations that I had and I do think those same thoughts. It is different this morning though because I am starting to think more positively about myself. I wouldn't do anything differently. I am who I am and if someone should think that I am weird, ugly or stupid that is alright by me.

Now I live for me and I will not let the thoughts of others stop me ever again. Besides, what is the point of not being yourself from the start? If someone does not like me or my personalty it is best to know that from the start.  I can have no filter at times but I am always nice to people and always myself. That is what matters most to me now .

All A Matter Of Opinion

I was just thinking about how everyone has a different opinion about things.  If one person says that you should hold your thoughts and feelings in another would say, "No way let it out". When I was younger I would look to my family & friends for the answers. "Should I say something back to that mean kid?" "Do you think I have a right to be upset?" I decided my reactions based on what others thought to be right.

Now I know that the only right way is the right way for me. If someone tells me that I should or should not do something I am going to choose what I believe to be right. Even if it means going against what they think. Although it is always nice to be supported, sometimes you will not be. Sometimes you will have to stand alone and that's alright by me. by me.