Don't Let The Negative Bugs Bite

Negativity can be like a poisonous fume floating throughout the air. Breath it in and it could infect you just like a disease.

There was a time in my life when I did not recognize what my negative thought process was doing to who I was and the ones around me. When times were bad I felt like it would never get any better and when things were good I would only want more. I was hard on myself, constantly focusing on my flaws and It seemed like I could never be good enough. I was negative and now I know what negativity can do to the person you are.

It ate me up and took me down. It attacked my confidence and care free attitude. It made me into a bitter, scared, hopeless, insecure, depressed person.

I wanted to change and I wanted the old me back so this is what I did. I started looking around and notching everything that I did have instead of everything that I did not. I was nicer to myself and found what makes me special. I became driven and confident to recognize & fix my flaws.

Now when hard times come around I try and think positively about them. Now I believe that things will get better and they always do. The more positive thoughts that I have, the better my life becomes.

However I think that it is easier to find the negativity in hard times than it is to see the positive in them. I still sometimes struggling with finding positivity when I need to. It takes effort, patience and confidence but if you can find it, it can make almost anything much better.

I think that when someone else is being negative around you it can effect your mood in seconds. I picture negativity as tiny little bugs that I can not see but only feel. They try and attach themselves to me so that they can drag out my own negativity. When I feel them I shake my head and imagine them jumping off. This is my way of getting the negativity away from me so it does not effect my good mood. Although I do think that it is best to be there for someone if they are expressing a negative problem or feeling to me. I just try and shake the negativity off  afterwards.

I do not think that it is realistic to always think positively and never negatively in life but you do have a choice. You can dwell on negativity and let it eat you up, or you can fight it with positivity and let it brighten up your life.

Naturally Judgemental

In the past I have tried to not judge others and have felt that being judgmental was wrong. Now I think that passing judgement is natural and something that can not be stopped. However I do think that there is a big difference when it comes to basing an opinion off of someones appearance or history.

An example of judging on appearance.... I am not going to assume a guy is strong just because he is a man and I am not going to assume that a girl is weak just because she is a woman. Creating an opinion based on someones sex, ethnicity or  physical make up is ridiculous to me.

At first glance social stigmas attach them selves to the out sides of every human being. Sadly many people judge one another before getting to know who they really are. Instead judgements can be made based on who you are probably like.This form of judgment is what is not right to me.

An example of judging based on history...To live is like writing your own book and you are creating your pages. Unless you have chosen to hide yourself away people are going to read your book and they will know who you have been.

It is much easier for most people to think that they would have been a better person than it is for them to think that they would have made the same mistakes.

I think that a lot of people including myself have a hard time relating to others and have a hard time imagining what life would be like in someone else's shoes.

In my opinion no one can be perfect. Mistakes help us grow into better people. If you can not see how you have been wrong then you can never fix your problems.

See them first, live and learn, change yourself, life goes on. It is best to base your opinions on who someone is or who someone is trying to be instead of who someone was.

Having an open mind and being respectful to the ones who are different than you are very good character traits to have.

Personally I think that passing judgment is natural, automatic and comes whether you want it to or not. But after it comes then it is up to you to stop, think & decide.

"My Girl Phobia"

Rewind about 4 years ago. That was when I was too afraid to leave my house and even too afraid to go out to get my mail. I was depressed, insecure and scared. Scared of what people would say about me and how that would make me feel. I have written about those times before but I have never mentioned my "girl phobia".

I have been with my boyfriend Justin for almost 14 years now. Around the 3rd year of our relationship I started to become insecure and jealous. I was worried that Justin would leave me for someone else. Someone who was thinner than me, funnier than me and all around better than me.

I started questioning him often about whether or not he thought that other girls were pretty. He would usually answer no but I wouldn't believe him anyways and it hurt when he answered back yes.

The more I would question him, the more defensive he became and that would make me worry even more. Time went on and my insecurities got worse.

I stared telling our friends that we could not hang out and I would make up lies as to why we could not.  It was really because I was too afraid of Justin seeing pretty girls. I could not go anywhere without looking around and worrying about what the girls looked like. I dreaded the though of a girl talking to Justin and I would watch him to see if he was looking at one.

Even weddings and special events became scary to attend. Instead of what they should have been, fun and some good times. I just avoided anything that I could.

The fear consumed me. I wouldn't let us watch movies that had attractive girls in them. I even started previewing movies ahead of time to see if I could handle Justin watching them. I would watch it, write down the bad parts and then we would skip over them. I remember thinking that I was crazy when I started doing this to cartoons.

Looking back now it was very crazy to me but at that time it was real and nothing to be joked about. Back then I felt all alone, I had never heard of someone else going through what I was going through so I didn't know where to turn.

When Justin missed his dad's birthday party because of me I decided to do something about it. I did not want to hold him back from anything. So I called South Bay Mental Health Services, got a counselor who would come to our house once a week for couples counseling. 

I know now that I let my insecurities and negative thoughts get away with me. I listened to the insecure Emily back then. Thoughts like, "If Justin sees that girl he will realize how ugly I am and want to leave me". I didn't recognize what I was doing at that time but once I did I started hearing my  thoughts a I decided to fight them back with positive, healthy ones.

I learned to believe Justin when he told me that I was beautiful and learned to accept that he was not going to leave me for someone else. I also feel now that is is alright and natural for him to find other girls attractive. I just have to remain confident in myself and know that he loves me and thinks that I am pretty too. In return he had to be more understanding about what I was going through. He learned that getting defensive and angry would only hurt me more.

We have made our relationship so much stronger over these past few years. I have battled my own thoughts and have set myself free. I was once too afraid to live but not anymore.  I do not ever plan on letting anything hold me or Justin back from being happy ever again. Why did Justin put up with this for so long? Because he loves me and I am forever thankful that he does.