Love Me

I have said for a while now that I am not afraid of getting older and that I don't ever want to be hesitant to share my age with anyone. I am starting to think that this may be easy for me to think now because I am still pretty young.

Just until recently I haven't had any wrinkles and now see that I do. They may be small but they are there and I know that they will only get bigger with time. Also my skin is starting to get thinner and I notice it more and more as my days go by.

I think that it is easy for me to think that getting old is easy because I have yet to face it. I am not going to lie seeing these changes on my body worries me. I think I am mostly worried because I know that I can not turn back and more things like this are coming.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to when I was younger but only to love myself better. I know now that I have wasted so much of my life being insecure about my appearance. I wish that I could go back to see how pretty I really was in my reflection. To look and know that if I see beauty in the mirror than that is all that matters. My life could have been so much happier back then if I could of just believed that.

Although I am still struggling with low self esteem. Knowing that I have wasted so much time and knowing that I can not turn back drives me to love myself now before it is too late.

I also know that age takes a painful toll on the human body. However I do believe that if I can respect my body and give it what it needs than I will have less pain as I grow older. So many people seem to say, "Yeah wait until you get to be my age." but everyone is different and everyone chooses how they grow old. There are some 70 year old's out there who cant walk and others that can run. However I do understand that there are unfortunate things that can happen that no one can prevent.

I still look forward to getting older because I look forward to living my life. It would be unreasonable for me to think that I can go on and still feel and look the way that I do now. I have to face it but I plan on trying to face it positively.

Who Will I Be?

Having a positive outlook is a big part of my life right now. Letting positivity and love into my life  has made everything so much better for me and I never watt to go back to who I once was...But....

I have had a very good life. I have always been loved by my family, I have never felt what it is like to starve, I have always had a roof over my head, I haven't had to see many of the ones I love pass away and I am happy.

I often times wonder what kind of person I would be if I had suffered more or if I had lost the ones I love along the way. I sometimes think that I would not be as positive or happy as I am and that thought worries me.

Having no hope, being sad, angry, negative or lonely are all terrible feelings to have to live with. How could you not feel those emotions if you had just lost someone you love or have gone through something horrific??

Thinking about this helps me have a better understating to why some people may be unhappy, destructive or negative. I dont want to be an ignoramus and think to myself, why can't everyone just be happy? Because unfortunate events happen. 

However I do believe that it is all up to you to decided how you will deal with the cards that have been delt to you. I would like to think that I could be positive even through the hardest of times but that may be easier said than done. Fortunately I have yet to be tested in these ways and I do worry about the day when I will have to be.

I guess who I am going to be after times like these come, will all depend on how I pick myself up afterwards and then I will see what kind of person I am left as.

 

But don't get e wrong, I have faced my own hard times and I have over come some obstacles and I am still who I am today. That gives me hope for my tomorrows.

Taking A Second Look

When I was a teenager I loved listening to DMX . His music was filled with rage but it was awesome. A few years ago he was charged with animal abuse and I didn't like it. So I broke all of my cd's of his because I didn't want to support someone like that. Recently I have been watching a show called Couples Therapy on VH1 and I feel terrible. I talk about trying to become more understanding and respectful towards others and I didn't think to find out more about him before writing him off. He is on that show now and I am starting to understand why is is the way he is. This has taught me to always take a second look at some and to not jump to conclusions. Although it is true that he did do some of the terrible things in his past he is obviously trying to become a better person and that's all that matter to me. I am VERY excited to download his music, I have missed it very much. Now I should go take a second look at Barefoot Contessa (a chef on the Food Network) and find out why she did what she did to that make a wish kid.

Click Here To Listen To His Music

I'll Take It

I use to think that people who took pictures of themselves were pretentious, stuck up or snobby. Well not anymore. I am usually the one taking pictures of everyone else and I use to hope that someone would take mine. However that didn't happen often so I started taking my own. I was a little embarrassed at first and I was also worried about what others would think. But then I started focusing on what I wanted instead of the fear of being judged. 

Besides, what's wrong with wanting pictures of yourself anyways? Nothing if you ask me. I am sure that there are many people out there who think the way I once did but that's not going to stop me anymore. Now I choose to think that it is great to take pictures of yourself and even better to like them. To me it shows that you have good self esteem and are confidant in yourself. I am still trying to love myself, the inside & out so I have decided to admit, YES I do want some pictures of me. 

See!

Justin & I found therapy about 7 years ago and It has changed our lives. Without it we would have broken up a long time ago and it has made everything in our lives better. Opening up your eyes to who you are and to who you are together is WAY better than just trying to get over your issues. I also think that almost anyone can befit from therapy because no one is perfect and if you think that you are then you are far, FAR away from being anything like it. Becoming a better individual depends on whether or not you are willing to recognize your flaws and then it takes motivation to work on them. Only you have the power to ignore or see yourself. Personally, I choose to see.

 

Why Do You Care?

I can remember when I use to negatively criticize almost everyone I saw. For exapmle if I had seen someone walking down the street wearing there pajamas I would have probably called them lazy. If I noticed an over weight person pulling into a fast food restaurant I would of called them a fatty. If I saw a girl dressed provocatively I would of called her a slut. However I would only say these things to myself and the ones around me but never to the person them selves.

One day I asked myself , "Why Do I Care?" I started wondering why do I go out of my way to say mean things about people that I don't even know?

I realized that I was calling those girls sluts because I was just jealous of them and deep down I really wished that I looked as good as they did. I wondered, who was I to call someone else a fatty? I use to go to drive thrus all of the time back then. I started to see that I was the fatty and that I was being a hypocrite. Besides fatty is inappropriate to say. I think that unhealthy is the correct description of this.

I amused that person walking down the street was lazy. I didn't stop to think about other reasons they could have been wearing their pj's that day. Maybe their pet had just ran away so they ran out of their house to look for them. Or maybe they just enjoyed wearing them and what's wrong with that?

I started trying to not judge people unless I knew why. I also stopped taking my frustrations out on others and I looked at myself instead. I found out that it was me all along. My low self esteem and my own insecurities was what was coming out of me.Why Did I Care? Because putting others down made me feel better about myself but only for a moment.

So I soon found the courage to fight the person I was becoming. I would combat my insecurities with love for myself. I tried to be more understanding and respectful towards others.  I started seeing  myself and no longer ignored what I was doing and why. This is what makes me feel better now but this kind of happiness is everlasting.