You Are In My Way

I do something that frustrates me. Sometimes when I post my articles or status updates for others to see I will remove some of them as time goes by. I do this because I second guess myself and worry about people judging me negatively.

Battling my low self esteem can be aggravating and at times it feels like I am on a emotional roller coaster. I am constantly going up and down and back and forth with my thoughts. One minute I am telling myself that I don''t care what anyone else thinks about me but then other times I do worry about it.  Being like this is only holding me back from becoming who I would like to be.

I don't want to care if someone else thinks that I am pretentious, stupid, weird, etc... I want to do what I feel to be right and to not let my fear of being judged stop me anymore. I see nothing wrong with writing about how I feel and writing about the things that I have gone through. I am trying to tell myself now that if someone is bothered by me than they can tell me how they feel or just ignore what I have to say or share.

I would also like to be open to criticism about myself and respectful to others if something I have done or said bothers them in any way. However it is up to them to say something to me about it first. All I know is that I would like to stop assuming that people think badly about me before even knowing it.

I do not mean to offend or hurt anyone if I have. I do all of this for me. Writing helps me because it gets some of my thoughts out of my head and that leaves more room for bigger and better ones. I am going to continue trying to be open and honest and I do not plan on hiding.

The Truth Is, No One Else Is Standing In My Way, Only Me.

Love Me

I have said for a while now that I am not afraid of getting older and that I don't ever want to be hesitant to share my age with anyone. I am starting to think that this may be easy for me to think now because I am still pretty young.

Just until recently I haven't had any wrinkles and now see that I do. They may be small but they are there and I know that they will only get bigger with time. Also my skin is starting to get thinner and I notice it more and more as my days go by.

I think that it is easy for me to think that getting old is easy because I have yet to face it. I am not going to lie seeing these changes on my body worries me. I think I am mostly worried because I know that I can not turn back and more things like this are coming.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to when I was younger but only to love myself better. I know now that I have wasted so much of my life being insecure about my appearance. I wish that I could go back to see how pretty I really was in my reflection. To look and know that if I see beauty in the mirror than that is all that matters. My life could have been so much happier back then if I could of just believed that.

Although I am still struggling with low self esteem. Knowing that I have wasted so much time and knowing that I can not turn back drives me to love myself now before it is too late.

I also know that age takes a painful toll on the human body. However I do believe that if I can respect my body and give it what it needs than I will have less pain as I grow older. So many people seem to say, "Yeah wait until you get to be my age." but everyone is different and everyone chooses how they grow old. There are some 70 year old's out there who cant walk and others that can run. However I do understand that there are unfortunate things that can happen that no one can prevent.

I still look forward to getting older because I look forward to living my life. It would be unreasonable for me to think that I can go on and still feel and look the way that I do now. I have to face it but I plan on trying to face it positively.