How Can I Change Who I am?

I can remember this like it were yesterday. I was in the 5th grade and my seat was in the very back of the classroom. I remember when I looked up at the chalk board and could no longer see what was written on it. I was worried and confused and there just so happened to be an eye exam coming up that week so I waited for that. When my school gave me the exam, I was not able to see some of the rows and the lady said, "just keep on going" so I guessed. My school did not send a letter  to my parents telling them that anything was wrong so I thought I was alright but ever since that day I noticed that I could not see like the other kids.

I told my mother what was going on and she brought me to an  eye doctors appointment. I still could not see the eye charts and the doctor told me to just try harder. So I strained my eyes as hard as I could but still couldn't make out the letters. The tests  came out to show that I was fine and that my eyes were normal. I was more confused than ever. The doctor also told my mom that I could be making it up for attention and to have me see a psychologist so I did. I went but then could not see any better afterwards. Luckily, my mom believed me that something was wrong even when so many others did not. Some of my family, friends and teachers thought I was making it up as well. To this day I can remember that time in my life and it still hurts me.

Me and my mom  went to countless eye appointments over a 5 year span and no one could tell us what was going on. I went though school not being able to function like I should have. I had to ask my friends to read the chalk board to me, I could not read my books  and had to deal with some mean people who couldn't not understand that I could really not see. I learned new ways in order to pass my classes and to move grade to grade. I am proud to say that I did.

I was in the 10th grade when my eye condition finally got diagnosed. Star Guarts disease, a form of emasculate degeneration. When the doctor told my mother and me he said that there was no cure, that glasses would not help and that I would not drive. I didn't even care about all of that at the time. I was just so happy to find out what was wrong and it felt so good to be able to prove that I was not crazy and making it up. I was also  relieved to know it for myself. .

It has been about 13 years since that day. I have adapted to living with my eyes and have been very happy despite my diagnosis. Although some days I do feel like I am trapped at home because I can not get out by myself. I have learned to rely on others and am so lucky to have people who love me. People who help me get to where I want to and have to go.

I feel as though I do a great job at life. I have stared getting into photography, I have a daughter, I have maintained a successful 14 year relationship and I am constantly trying  to work on improving myself. I have become very content with who I am and how I see.

Yesterday I was told about a new cure that scientists are working on for my eye conduction. I think that this is where I may have to enter another chapter in my life when some people do not understand me again.

The thought of a cure scares me. It would mean that my life would completely change, again. I am finally  starting to feel like I am where I am meant to be in life and now that could all change. Most people would say that it is a good change for me and I can definalty understand why they feel that way. There are not many people out there who can relate to me about this. To tell me that I can all of a sudden drive, get a job and will be able to see like everyone else... that  would rock my world and not in a comfortable way.

I would have no idea how to live like that. It has been over 20 years since I could last see correctly. I am worried that some people will be ignorant to what I have been through and to just be blinded by the thought of a cure for my eyes but not one for my mind as well.

Although I do believe that I could learn and change again. I have already battled not being able to see the world and the people around me. Not being able to tell who is looking at me, where I am going and having to rely on others is very scary but I have learned to do it. I know that I could attack my fear of going out into the world with different eyes again and I could one day accept a cure if there should happen to be one.However, I do not like taking medication unless absolutely necessary. I have cavities filled with out novocaine, I gave birth to my daughter with no pain medication because I believe in the human body and in natural cures. I also believe that your cards have been dealt to you for a reason.

I have often times felt greedy and foolish for wanting better eyes, for saying, "why Me?" There are so many people out there who can not see at all who would probably like to see like I can so why ask for more? This cure that I am hearing about is still being studied and personally I think that all medical procedures and medications are always going to be under study because everyone is different.

People's bodies accepts things differently than others. AA good out come is never a guarantee when it comes to medications and procedures. What if I did choose to cure my sight with this treatment and then years later something goes wrong? I will forever feel foolish, greedy and like I have asked for too much. Why risk hurting my eyes, when they have brought me to where I am today?

I really do appreciate it when people care so much about me and tell me about these cures. I also think that one's who come up with these kinda of cures that can help other people are absolutely amazing. I just don't know right now if I would like to continue being happy being me or if I would like to take the chance of getting better eyes.....


To the ones who can not understand this, all's I am asking for for is a little understating and respect when it comes to me making decisions regarding my own life. I know that there are many people out there who would like to see my vision corrected and that means so much to me. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through out my life. I would not of had all of the good times that I have had, smiled as much as I do without all of you , thank you