I Collect SSI

Today I saw some posts on Facebook about welfare checks and comments about how some people don't deserve them. I started thinking about how I haven't wrote about the fact that I am on disability and collect SSI payments every month and have ever since I was eighteen years old.

I am not sure if welfare and disability (SSI) are the same thing but I do know that I collect tax payers money and I also know that there are some people who have a problems with this.

When I was younger I was ready to "go out into the real world" and I did not like the idea of collecting SSI but then some life experiences came around that changed my mind shortly after being diagnosed with my eye disease..

I can remember my first day at Burger King. I was struggling to see the small TV that the manager had playing for me up in the corner. That was how they taught their new employes what to do there. When I told him that I could not see it, he told me that it didn't matter anyways. It came time for me to operate the cash register. "Oh you would like a fish sandwich? Please hold on while I try and find that button for half an hour." I could not operate the cash register so they moved me out back. Would you want me to make your burger with my face all up in your food, so that I can see what I am doing? I wouldn't, I quit.

I tried a department store out for size, TJ Max. I worked in the back tagging clothes but I couldn't work fast enough because I had to struggle to see the small tags. My manager told me to just try harder and to work faster. I was frustrated, I quit.

Next I worked at a day care for almost three years. It was set up like a school, with classrooms and teachers. After a year of working there I went to a small college to become one of the head teachers there. My high school tutor Patty had to attend the classes along with me. It was hard because I couldn't' see the board, the books or the teacher but I passed anyways. I became the preschool teacher at that same day care months later.

When there were more than ten kids in your classroom, you would need an assistant teacher with you. But when there were under ten kids in my classroom the head staff would hesitant to leave me alone with the kids. That did not make me feel very good and I stated doubting my abilities, I quit.

I can remember when I decided to start collecting SSI payments. I was living  in an apartment with Justin at that time. I did not feel like I was set for life, it did not feel any easier for me. I felt like I was lazy, a disappointment and I felt like I was broken.

I just stayed home alone all day while Justin went to work. We didn't have a yard and I feared walking down the street because it was not a safe part of  town. I also have trouble knowing when it was alright to cross. I would eagerly wait for Justin to come home so that he could take me someone where other than our apartment. I felt like a fish in it's bowl when I would look out the window, I felt trapped.

My low self esteem and anxiety did not help me out back then. I believe that if I had confidence in myself  and if I knew how to manage my anxiety during those times, then I might have continued working, found other ways to get around and I may have not felt so broken.

We moved back into my childhood home with my mom and my brother. It is better for me because there is a yard and my family lives close. However I became depressed because I still felt useless, broken and trapped.

I started working with Justin for a few years. We would do random construction jobs together like tiling, painting, demo work etc. Then we worked for a clean out  and moving company. These jobs worked out well because Justin was there to be my eyes when I needed them to be.

Life was getting better for me because I felt like I had purpose and I also started consoling. I became more confidant and I started respecting myself.

Then comes Lily. I had to stop working with Justin because it was not safe for a pregnant lady to do. I have been home ever since and I am still collecting SSI.

My goal is to be financially independent someday but as for right now I feel that I have the right to collect. I would hope that if I were not disabled, than I would still support this for others as well.

I think that I have hesitated expressing this because of the thoughts and opinions that could come along with it. If someone thinks that I am wrong for collecting than I will try to listen and respect their opinions.

Someone close to me does not support me collecting SSI. They once told me that I have it too easy, that I am happy  because I don't have to work very hard. I think that it all depends on how you look at my situation.

I could focus on the negative parts of my life like I used to but I do not choose to live like that anymore. I choose to make the best out of what I have and I try and appreciate what I do. I think that's what makes me and I hope that I would try and  be happy even if  I had a "normal life".

Others may think that I have it easy and I know that I do in some ways. However I have it harder in others, just like everyone else in this world. I would like to keep an open mind about this when hearing opinions because I know that they are mixed. At the end of my day I have to be alright with the choices that I make in order to be happy. I am content right now and I am happy.