I Just Don't Know

Telling Lily that Santa is coming is contradictory to how I try and parent. I plan on answering her questions as honestly as I can. I do not want to try and avoid hard or uncomfortable subjects like death, sex, drugs or anything else that can be hard to talk about. I think that she has the right to know if she asks. Obviously I will go about these hard issues delicately but I will go to them. But Santa? I use to love thinking that he was real and I don't know if Lily would choose to have that feeling or not. I just don't know. Do I lie to her but possibly give her a great memory?  Or do I ask her to talk to someone else about him when she asks me? I just dont know......

We Were Free Birds Today

(One) Of The Greatest

Went for a walk today. It's the first time that I have ever taken Lily down these streets by myself. I have been too afraid to up until today because they are kinda busy.

I have to get us out of this house more often. Not being able to drive can be  hard, aggravating and depressing at times. Sometimes I feel like a bird in it's cage when I look out the window, when I am home all alone. I don't ever want Lily to feel like a bird because of my handicap.

Today we did it. We went to a store about 2 miles away and we bought some stuff to make Christmas presents. It was a lot of fun.

I know that I can not see well and I do not need anyone to tell me that I should not walk because of that because I doubt myself enough. I know my limits and I care about Lily's safety more than anyone else. Please do not question that when I finally gather up enough courage to get out on my own.
I need to.

I Collect SSI

Today I saw some posts on Facebook about welfare checks and comments about how some people don't deserve them. I started thinking about how I haven't wrote about the fact that I am on disability and collect SSI payments every month and have ever since I was eighteen years old.

I am not sure if welfare and disability (SSI) are the same thing but I do know that I collect tax payers money and I also know that there are some people who have a problems with this.

When I was younger I was ready to "go out into the real world" and I did not like the idea of collecting SSI but then some life experiences came around that changed my mind shortly after being diagnosed with my eye disease..

I can remember my first day at Burger King. I was struggling to see the small TV that the manager had playing for me up in the corner. That was how they taught their new employes what to do there. When I told him that I could not see it, he told me that it didn't matter anyways. It came time for me to operate the cash register. "Oh you would like a fish sandwich? Please hold on while I try and find that button for half an hour." I could not operate the cash register so they moved me out back. Would you want me to make your burger with my face all up in your food, so that I can see what I am doing? I wouldn't, I quit.

I tried a department store out for size, TJ Max. I worked in the back tagging clothes but I couldn't work fast enough because I had to struggle to see the small tags. My manager told me to just try harder and to work faster. I was frustrated, I quit.

Next I worked at a day care for almost three years. It was set up like a school, with classrooms and teachers. After a year of working there I went to a small college to become one of the head teachers there. My high school tutor Patty had to attend the classes along with me. It was hard because I couldn't' see the board, the books or the teacher but I passed anyways. I became the preschool teacher at that same day care months later.

When there were more than ten kids in your classroom, you would need an assistant teacher with you. But when there were under ten kids in my classroom the head staff would hesitant to leave me alone with the kids. That did not make me feel very good and I stated doubting my abilities, I quit.

I can remember when I decided to start collecting SSI payments. I was living  in an apartment with Justin at that time. I did not feel like I was set for life, it did not feel any easier for me. I felt like I was lazy, a disappointment and I felt like I was broken.

I just stayed home alone all day while Justin went to work. We didn't have a yard and I feared walking down the street because it was not a safe part of  town. I also have trouble knowing when it was alright to cross. I would eagerly wait for Justin to come home so that he could take me someone where other than our apartment. I felt like a fish in it's bowl when I would look out the window, I felt trapped.

My low self esteem and anxiety did not help me out back then. I believe that if I had confidence in myself  and if I knew how to manage my anxiety during those times, then I might have continued working, found other ways to get around and I may have not felt so broken.

We moved back into my childhood home with my mom and my brother. It is better for me because there is a yard and my family lives close. However I became depressed because I still felt useless, broken and trapped.

I started working with Justin for a few years. We would do random construction jobs together like tiling, painting, demo work etc. Then we worked for a clean out  and moving company. These jobs worked out well because Justin was there to be my eyes when I needed them to be.

Life was getting better for me because I felt like I had purpose and I also started consoling. I became more confidant and I started respecting myself.

Then comes Lily. I had to stop working with Justin because it was not safe for a pregnant lady to do. I have been home ever since and I am still collecting SSI.

My goal is to be financially independent someday but as for right now I feel that I have the right to collect. I would hope that if I were not disabled, than I would still support this for others as well.

I think that I have hesitated expressing this because of the thoughts and opinions that could come along with it. If someone thinks that I am wrong for collecting than I will try to listen and respect their opinions.

Someone close to me does not support me collecting SSI. They once told me that I have it too easy, that I am happy  because I don't have to work very hard. I think that it all depends on how you look at my situation.

I could focus on the negative parts of my life like I used to but I do not choose to live like that anymore. I choose to make the best out of what I have and I try and appreciate what I do. I think that's what makes me and I hope that I would try and  be happy even if  I had a "normal life".

Others may think that I have it easy and I know that I do in some ways. However I have it harder in others, just like everyone else in this world. I would like to keep an open mind about this when hearing opinions because I know that they are mixed. At the end of my day I have to be alright with the choices that I make in order to be happy. I am content right now and I am happy.

What's Wrong With Me?

 I want to start working on a character trait of mine that I do not like. I can be very condescending at times to the ones that I love most. When something aggravates me I say things in a "snooty" tone like, "What's wrong with you?", almost like I am disgusted. I don't like how I do that and it worries me because I can hear myself starting to do this to Lily.

It hurts when someone looks at me with "snooty" eyes or speaks to me in demeaning tones. I am so sorry that I have been this way for this long and today it is my goal to change this. I plan on closing my eyes whenever I am irritated and then I'll envision the ways that I have felt when I was spoken to in these ways. I will change.

Like A SkyScraper

The Me's That I No Longer Want To Be

Insecure

Negative

A Door Mat 

Depressed

Scared

Condescending

Paranoid

Closed Minded
Ignorant 
Naive 

Defensive

A victim

 

The Truth Hurts

I think that if you spend your entire life around people who keep their real feelings from you because of their fear of hurting you, then that could only make you be unable to handle any kind of negative criticism about yourself appropriately. The truth can hurt but it can also help if you give it to the right person.

 

You Are In My Way

I do something that frustrates me. Sometimes when I post my articles or status updates for others to see I will remove some of them as time goes by. I do this because I second guess myself and worry about people judging me negatively.

Battling my low self esteem can be aggravating and at times it feels like I am on a emotional roller coaster. I am constantly going up and down and back and forth with my thoughts. One minute I am telling myself that I don''t care what anyone else thinks about me but then other times I do worry about it.  Being like this is only holding me back from becoming who I would like to be.

I don't want to care if someone else thinks that I am pretentious, stupid, weird, etc... I want to do what I feel to be right and to not let my fear of being judged stop me anymore. I see nothing wrong with writing about how I feel and writing about the things that I have gone through. I am trying to tell myself now that if someone is bothered by me than they can tell me how they feel or just ignore what I have to say or share.

I would also like to be open to criticism about myself and respectful to others if something I have done or said bothers them in any way. However it is up to them to say something to me about it first. All I know is that I would like to stop assuming that people think badly about me before even knowing it.

I do not mean to offend or hurt anyone if I have. I do all of this for me. Writing helps me because it gets some of my thoughts out of my head and that leaves more room for bigger and better ones. I am going to continue trying to be open and honest and I do not plan on hiding.

The Truth Is, No One Else Is Standing In My Way, Only Me.

Love Me

I have said for a while now that I am not afraid of getting older and that I don't ever want to be hesitant to share my age with anyone. I am starting to think that this may be easy for me to think now because I am still pretty young.

Just until recently I haven't had any wrinkles and now see that I do. They may be small but they are there and I know that they will only get bigger with time. Also my skin is starting to get thinner and I notice it more and more as my days go by.

I think that it is easy for me to think that getting old is easy because I have yet to face it. I am not going to lie seeing these changes on my body worries me. I think I am mostly worried because I know that I can not turn back and more things like this are coming.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to when I was younger but only to love myself better. I know now that I have wasted so much of my life being insecure about my appearance. I wish that I could go back to see how pretty I really was in my reflection. To look and know that if I see beauty in the mirror than that is all that matters. My life could have been so much happier back then if I could of just believed that.

Although I am still struggling with low self esteem. Knowing that I have wasted so much time and knowing that I can not turn back drives me to love myself now before it is too late.

I also know that age takes a painful toll on the human body. However I do believe that if I can respect my body and give it what it needs than I will have less pain as I grow older. So many people seem to say, "Yeah wait until you get to be my age." but everyone is different and everyone chooses how they grow old. There are some 70 year old's out there who cant walk and others that can run. However I do understand that there are unfortunate things that can happen that no one can prevent.

I still look forward to getting older because I look forward to living my life. It would be unreasonable for me to think that I can go on and still feel and look the way that I do now. I have to face it but I plan on trying to face it positively.

Who Will I Be?

Having a positive outlook is a big part of my life right now. Letting positivity and love into my life  has made everything so much better for me and I never watt to go back to who I once was...But....

I have had a very good life. I have always been loved by my family, I have never felt what it is like to starve, I have always had a roof over my head, I haven't had to see many of the ones I love pass away and I am happy.

I often times wonder what kind of person I would be if I had suffered more or if I had lost the ones I love along the way. I sometimes think that I would not be as positive or happy as I am and that thought worries me.

Having no hope, being sad, angry, negative or lonely are all terrible feelings to have to live with. How could you not feel those emotions if you had just lost someone you love or have gone through something horrific??

Thinking about this helps me have a better understating to why some people may be unhappy, destructive or negative. I dont want to be an ignoramus and think to myself, why can't everyone just be happy? Because unfortunate events happen. 

However I do believe that it is all up to you to decided how you will deal with the cards that have been delt to you. I would like to think that I could be positive even through the hardest of times but that may be easier said than done. Fortunately I have yet to be tested in these ways and I do worry about the day when I will have to be.

I guess who I am going to be after times like these come, will all depend on how I pick myself up afterwards and then I will see what kind of person I am left as.

 

But don't get e wrong, I have faced my own hard times and I have over come some obstacles and I am still who I am today. That gives me hope for my tomorrows.

Taking A Second Look

When I was a teenager I loved listening to DMX . His music was filled with rage but it was awesome. A few years ago he was charged with animal abuse and I didn't like it. So I broke all of my cd's of his because I didn't want to support someone like that. Recently I have been watching a show called Couples Therapy on VH1 and I feel terrible. I talk about trying to become more understanding and respectful towards others and I didn't think to find out more about him before writing him off. He is on that show now and I am starting to understand why is is the way he is. This has taught me to always take a second look at some and to not jump to conclusions. Although it is true that he did do some of the terrible things in his past he is obviously trying to become a better person and that's all that matter to me. I am VERY excited to download his music, I have missed it very much. Now I should go take a second look at Barefoot Contessa (a chef on the Food Network) and find out why she did what she did to that make a wish kid.

Click Here To Listen To His Music

I'll Take It

I use to think that people who took pictures of themselves were pretentious, stuck up or snobby. Well not anymore. I am usually the one taking pictures of everyone else and I use to hope that someone would take mine. However that didn't happen often so I started taking my own. I was a little embarrassed at first and I was also worried about what others would think. But then I started focusing on what I wanted instead of the fear of being judged. 

Besides, what's wrong with wanting pictures of yourself anyways? Nothing if you ask me. I am sure that there are many people out there who think the way I once did but that's not going to stop me anymore. Now I choose to think that it is great to take pictures of yourself and even better to like them. To me it shows that you have good self esteem and are confidant in yourself. I am still trying to love myself, the inside & out so I have decided to admit, YES I do want some pictures of me. 

See!

Justin & I found therapy about 7 years ago and It has changed our lives. Without it we would have broken up a long time ago and it has made everything in our lives better. Opening up your eyes to who you are and to who you are together is WAY better than just trying to get over your issues. I also think that almost anyone can befit from therapy because no one is perfect and if you think that you are then you are far, FAR away from being anything like it. Becoming a better individual depends on whether or not you are willing to recognize your flaws and then it takes motivation to work on them. Only you have the power to ignore or see yourself. Personally, I choose to see.

 

Why Do You Care?

I can remember when I use to negatively criticize almost everyone I saw. For exapmle if I had seen someone walking down the street wearing there pajamas I would have probably called them lazy. If I noticed an over weight person pulling into a fast food restaurant I would of called them a fatty. If I saw a girl dressed provocatively I would of called her a slut. However I would only say these things to myself and the ones around me but never to the person them selves.

One day I asked myself , "Why Do I Care?" I started wondering why do I go out of my way to say mean things about people that I don't even know?

I realized that I was calling those girls sluts because I was just jealous of them and deep down I really wished that I looked as good as they did. I wondered, who was I to call someone else a fatty? I use to go to drive thrus all of the time back then. I started to see that I was the fatty and that I was being a hypocrite. Besides fatty is inappropriate to say. I think that unhealthy is the correct description of this.

I amused that person walking down the street was lazy. I didn't stop to think about other reasons they could have been wearing their pj's that day. Maybe their pet had just ran away so they ran out of their house to look for them. Or maybe they just enjoyed wearing them and what's wrong with that?

I started trying to not judge people unless I knew why. I also stopped taking my frustrations out on others and I looked at myself instead. I found out that it was me all along. My low self esteem and my own insecurities was what was coming out of me.Why Did I Care? Because putting others down made me feel better about myself but only for a moment.

So I soon found the courage to fight the person I was becoming. I would combat my insecurities with love for myself. I tried to be more understanding and respectful towards others.  I started seeing  myself and no longer ignored what I was doing and why. This is what makes me feel better now but this kind of happiness is everlasting.

Don't Let The Negative Bugs Bite

Negativity can be like a poisonous fume floating throughout the air. Breath it in and it could infect you just like a disease.

There was a time in my life when I did not recognize what my negative thought process was doing to who I was and the ones around me. When times were bad I felt like it would never get any better and when things were good I would only want more. I was hard on myself, constantly focusing on my flaws and It seemed like I could never be good enough. I was negative and now I know what negativity can do to the person you are.

It ate me up and took me down. It attacked my confidence and care free attitude. It made me into a bitter, scared, hopeless, insecure, depressed person.

I wanted to change and I wanted the old me back so this is what I did. I started looking around and notching everything that I did have instead of everything that I did not. I was nicer to myself and found what makes me special. I became driven and confident to recognize & fix my flaws.

Now when hard times come around I try and think positively about them. Now I believe that things will get better and they always do. The more positive thoughts that I have, the better my life becomes.

However I think that it is easier to find the negativity in hard times than it is to see the positive in them. I still sometimes struggling with finding positivity when I need to. It takes effort, patience and confidence but if you can find it, it can make almost anything much better.

I think that when someone else is being negative around you it can effect your mood in seconds. I picture negativity as tiny little bugs that I can not see but only feel. They try and attach themselves to me so that they can drag out my own negativity. When I feel them I shake my head and imagine them jumping off. This is my way of getting the negativity away from me so it does not effect my good mood. Although I do think that it is best to be there for someone if they are expressing a negative problem or feeling to me. I just try and shake the negativity off  afterwards.

I do not think that it is realistic to always think positively and never negatively in life but you do have a choice. You can dwell on negativity and let it eat you up, or you can fight it with positivity and let it brighten up your life.

Naturally Judgemental

In the past I have tried to not judge others and have felt that being judgmental was wrong. Now I think that passing judgement is natural and something that can not be stopped. However I do think that there is a big difference when it comes to basing an opinion off of someones appearance or history.

An example of judging on appearance.... I am not going to assume a guy is strong just because he is a man and I am not going to assume that a girl is weak just because she is a woman. Creating an opinion based on someones sex, ethnicity or  physical make up is ridiculous to me.

At first glance social stigmas attach them selves to the out sides of every human being. Sadly many people judge one another before getting to know who they really are. Instead judgements can be made based on who you are probably like.This form of judgment is what is not right to me.

An example of judging based on history...To live is like writing your own book and you are creating your pages. Unless you have chosen to hide yourself away people are going to read your book and they will know who you have been.

It is much easier for most people to think that they would have been a better person than it is for them to think that they would have made the same mistakes.

I think that a lot of people including myself have a hard time relating to others and have a hard time imagining what life would be like in someone else's shoes.

In my opinion no one can be perfect. Mistakes help us grow into better people. If you can not see how you have been wrong then you can never fix your problems.

See them first, live and learn, change yourself, life goes on. It is best to base your opinions on who someone is or who someone is trying to be instead of who someone was.

Having an open mind and being respectful to the ones who are different than you are very good character traits to have.

Personally I think that passing judgment is natural, automatic and comes whether you want it to or not. But after it comes then it is up to you to stop, think & decide.

"My Girl Phobia"

Rewind about 4 years ago. That was when I was too afraid to leave my house and even too afraid to go out to get my mail. I was depressed, insecure and scared. Scared of what people would say about me and how that would make me feel. I have written about those times before but I have never mentioned my "girl phobia".

I have been with my boyfriend Justin for almost 14 years now. Around the 3rd year of our relationship I started to become insecure and jealous. I was worried that Justin would leave me for someone else. Someone who was thinner than me, funnier than me and all around better than me.

I started questioning him often about whether or not he thought that other girls were pretty. He would usually answer no but I wouldn't believe him anyways and it hurt when he answered back yes.

The more I would question him, the more defensive he became and that would make me worry even more. Time went on and my insecurities got worse.

I stared telling our friends that we could not hang out and I would make up lies as to why we could not.  It was really because I was too afraid of Justin seeing pretty girls. I could not go anywhere without looking around and worrying about what the girls looked like. I dreaded the though of a girl talking to Justin and I would watch him to see if he was looking at one.

Even weddings and special events became scary to attend. Instead of what they should have been, fun and some good times. I just avoided anything that I could.

The fear consumed me. I wouldn't let us watch movies that had attractive girls in them. I even started previewing movies ahead of time to see if I could handle Justin watching them. I would watch it, write down the bad parts and then we would skip over them. I remember thinking that I was crazy when I started doing this to cartoons.

Looking back now it was very crazy to me but at that time it was real and nothing to be joked about. Back then I felt all alone, I had never heard of someone else going through what I was going through so I didn't know where to turn.

When Justin missed his dad's birthday party because of me I decided to do something about it. I did not want to hold him back from anything. So I called South Bay Mental Health Services, got a counselor who would come to our house once a week for couples counseling. 

I know now that I let my insecurities and negative thoughts get away with me. I listened to the insecure Emily back then. Thoughts like, "If Justin sees that girl he will realize how ugly I am and want to leave me". I didn't recognize what I was doing at that time but once I did I started hearing my  thoughts a I decided to fight them back with positive, healthy ones.

I learned to believe Justin when he told me that I was beautiful and learned to accept that he was not going to leave me for someone else. I also feel now that is is alright and natural for him to find other girls attractive. I just have to remain confident in myself and know that he loves me and thinks that I am pretty too. In return he had to be more understanding about what I was going through. He learned that getting defensive and angry would only hurt me more.

We have made our relationship so much stronger over these past few years. I have battled my own thoughts and have set myself free. I was once too afraid to live but not anymore.  I do not ever plan on letting anything hold me or Justin back from being happy ever again. Why did Justin put up with this for so long? Because he loves me and I am forever thankful that he does.

I Am Not The Sweetest Berry On The Bush

I often hear people telling me that I am a sweetie pie. That I couldn't get mad at someone even if I tried. I tell them that is not true but they have a hard time believing me. The thought of this made me want to be honest about something. I am a nice person but I do have an angry, mean side to me too.

When I was in school some kids would make fun of me. Sometimes it was just friendly banter back and forth but other times It was just plain cruel. Most of the time I never did anything about it. I would put my head down and try to ignore it and sometimes I would even leave the room crying.

Back then I thought they had a right to call me names because they were just saying what I believed to be true.That I was a dork, ugly, fat and stupid. My "friends" would even tell me that I was too sensitive when I would cry and I believed them. I was the one who was doing something wrong and I was the one who was all of those things that they were laughing about.

However if someone would make fun of a another kid or especially one of my friends I would be the first one to say something and I would defend them. Back then I didn't understand how I could be one way for others but not the same for myself. Now, I know that it was because of my insecurities and low self esteem. Obviously I did not value myself and thought poorly of who I was.

Looking back I know that I did not deserve any of that and I know that I was a good person. Although I did not see it back then, Now I see a pretty young girl now when I look back at old pictures and movies.

Even now I try to remember how I felt as a kid and about how low my self esteem was. I do this because I am still struggling with the same insecurities. Reminding myself that I am still a good personal and am not ugly helps me with becoming more confident. On top of that I know now that everything those kids said wound not of hurt me if I just didn't let it.

One of the best things that I have ever learned is that no one can make you feel something. No one can make you upset or make you cry unless you personally let them. I am the one in control of my own emotions now.

Now I can get mad and show it for myself. When I was a teenager  a police officer swore at me for no reason in front of a large group of people so I yelled at him and told him that he had not right for swearing at me. He apologized to me for it in front of everyone and that was a nice feeling. I really appreciated him saying sorry to me and I respected him a lot after wards. Right now I usually don't have a problem sticking up for myself when someone is mean to me.

I do not usually yell at my friends or family though. I try to be honest with them and to tell them if I have a problem but it usually doesn't ever lead to an argument. However most of the time I just avoid saying anything because I am too afraid to upset them and to create a conflict. Sometimes this hurts me more because I do not feel comfortable unless I can be open and honest with someone.

The person who does see me at my worst is Justin, my boyfriend of 14 years. I can be verbally and emotionally abusive to him at times. I am not proud to say this but in the past I have called him fat, ugly, stupid and more. When we get into arguments sometimes he says things that hurt me and I react in anger and say things to try and hurt him. It is hard for me to not react aggressively when my feelings have been hurt. Sometimes I take things too personally, sometimes he does say things in the wrong way and sometimes I can over react.

I do not express myself 100% correctly some of the time but that has been one of our goals in couples counseling. I am much better than I use to be but still have a ways to go. Now instead of saying, "I hate you, you BIG FAT TERD!", I say, "I am very upset with what you just said to me". So I Just wanted to be honest and to admit that I do yell, do say mean things and can get mad. I am a nice person and do care about others but I can still be verbally abusive. It is something that I am trying to work on and change. I believe that good relationships cant always be filled with happiness and bubbles, that there has to be some conflicts and arguments along the way. I would just like to argue with Justin but without the hurtful words that do nothing to help.