"My Girl Phobia"

Rewind about 4 years ago. That was when I was too afraid to leave my house and even too afraid to go out to get my mail. I was depressed, insecure and scared. Scared of what people would say about me and how that would make me feel. I have written about those times before but I have never mentioned my "girl phobia".

I have been with my boyfriend Justin for almost 14 years now. Around the 3rd year of our relationship I started to become insecure and jealous. I was worried that Justin would leave me for someone else. Someone who was thinner than me, funnier than me and all around better than me.

I started questioning him often about whether or not he thought that other girls were pretty. He would usually answer no but I wouldn't believe him anyways and it hurt when he answered back yes.

The more I would question him, the more defensive he became and that would make me worry even more. Time went on and my insecurities got worse.

I stared telling our friends that we could not hang out and I would make up lies as to why we could not.  It was really because I was too afraid of Justin seeing pretty girls. I could not go anywhere without looking around and worrying about what the girls looked like. I dreaded the though of a girl talking to Justin and I would watch him to see if he was looking at one.

Even weddings and special events became scary to attend. Instead of what they should have been, fun and some good times. I just avoided anything that I could.

The fear consumed me. I wouldn't let us watch movies that had attractive girls in them. I even started previewing movies ahead of time to see if I could handle Justin watching them. I would watch it, write down the bad parts and then we would skip over them. I remember thinking that I was crazy when I started doing this to cartoons.

Looking back now it was very crazy to me but at that time it was real and nothing to be joked about. Back then I felt all alone, I had never heard of someone else going through what I was going through so I didn't know where to turn.

When Justin missed his dad's birthday party because of me I decided to do something about it. I did not want to hold him back from anything. So I called South Bay Mental Health Services, got a counselor who would come to our house once a week for couples counseling. 

I know now that I let my insecurities and negative thoughts get away with me. I listened to the insecure Emily back then. Thoughts like, "If Justin sees that girl he will realize how ugly I am and want to leave me". I didn't recognize what I was doing at that time but once I did I started hearing my  thoughts a I decided to fight them back with positive, healthy ones.

I learned to believe Justin when he told me that I was beautiful and learned to accept that he was not going to leave me for someone else. I also feel now that is is alright and natural for him to find other girls attractive. I just have to remain confident in myself and know that he loves me and thinks that I am pretty too. In return he had to be more understanding about what I was going through. He learned that getting defensive and angry would only hurt me more.

We have made our relationship so much stronger over these past few years. I have battled my own thoughts and have set myself free. I was once too afraid to live but not anymore.  I do not ever plan on letting anything hold me or Justin back from being happy ever again. Why did Justin put up with this for so long? Because he loves me and I am forever thankful that he does.