I Am Not The Sweetest Berry On The Bush

I often hear people telling me that I am a sweetie pie. That I couldn't get mad at someone even if I tried. I tell them that is not true but they have a hard time believing me. The thought of this made me want to be honest about something. I am a nice person but I do have an angry, mean side to me too.

When I was in school some kids would make fun of me. Sometimes it was just friendly banter back and forth but other times It was just plain cruel. Most of the time I never did anything about it. I would put my head down and try to ignore it and sometimes I would even leave the room crying.

Back then I thought they had a right to call me names because they were just saying what I believed to be true.That I was a dork, ugly, fat and stupid. My "friends" would even tell me that I was too sensitive when I would cry and I believed them. I was the one who was doing something wrong and I was the one who was all of those things that they were laughing about.

However if someone would make fun of a another kid or especially one of my friends I would be the first one to say something and I would defend them. Back then I didn't understand how I could be one way for others but not the same for myself. Now, I know that it was because of my insecurities and low self esteem. Obviously I did not value myself and thought poorly of who I was.

Looking back I know that I did not deserve any of that and I know that I was a good person. Although I did not see it back then, Now I see a pretty young girl now when I look back at old pictures and movies.

Even now I try to remember how I felt as a kid and about how low my self esteem was. I do this because I am still struggling with the same insecurities. Reminding myself that I am still a good personal and am not ugly helps me with becoming more confident. On top of that I know now that everything those kids said wound not of hurt me if I just didn't let it.

One of the best things that I have ever learned is that no one can make you feel something. No one can make you upset or make you cry unless you personally let them. I am the one in control of my own emotions now.

Now I can get mad and show it for myself. When I was a teenager  a police officer swore at me for no reason in front of a large group of people so I yelled at him and told him that he had not right for swearing at me. He apologized to me for it in front of everyone and that was a nice feeling. I really appreciated him saying sorry to me and I respected him a lot after wards. Right now I usually don't have a problem sticking up for myself when someone is mean to me.

I do not usually yell at my friends or family though. I try to be honest with them and to tell them if I have a problem but it usually doesn't ever lead to an argument. However most of the time I just avoid saying anything because I am too afraid to upset them and to create a conflict. Sometimes this hurts me more because I do not feel comfortable unless I can be open and honest with someone.

The person who does see me at my worst is Justin, my boyfriend of 14 years. I can be verbally and emotionally abusive to him at times. I am not proud to say this but in the past I have called him fat, ugly, stupid and more. When we get into arguments sometimes he says things that hurt me and I react in anger and say things to try and hurt him. It is hard for me to not react aggressively when my feelings have been hurt. Sometimes I take things too personally, sometimes he does say things in the wrong way and sometimes I can over react.

I do not express myself 100% correctly some of the time but that has been one of our goals in couples counseling. I am much better than I use to be but still have a ways to go. Now instead of saying, "I hate you, you BIG FAT TERD!", I say, "I am very upset with what you just said to me". So I Just wanted to be honest and to admit that I do yell, do say mean things and can get mad. I am a nice person and do care about others but I can still be verbally abusive. It is something that I am trying to work on and change. I believe that good relationships cant always be filled with happiness and bubbles, that there has to be some conflicts and arguments along the way. I would just like to argue with Justin but without the hurtful words that do nothing to help.